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Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Monday, May 2, 2016

9 Gnomes About Travel Writing

...and no, I am not referring to the Travelocity troll. Look it up.

In honor of the new year, I am revisiting one of my most popular posts. The sequel can be found  here.

The Top 9 Travel Writing Taboos

#1: Avoid cliches like the plague. The Danish in Copenhagen isn't the best thing since sliced bread (since when is sliced bread so great, anyway?) When was the last time you really felt like a kid in the candy store? And unless you are trying out a carousel, you don't give things a whirl.


#2: Avoid words you never use when talking. I'm talking iconicquaint, and rustic. 

#3: Just to prove that I am not overly persnickety, I'll allow one quaint or iconic per article. But never, ever use luxe or azure, for sure.


#4: That the grass is green is not newsworthy. That the beach is sandy is not newsworthy. Don't include useless and/or redundant adjectives. Keep it pithy, people.

#5: Can a city boast? Apparently, it can, as "Chicago boasts the best deep-dish pizza in the world" and "Honolulu boasts grand luxe hotels, sandy beaches, and azure skies."  But IMHO, a place cannot boast.


#6: Is Albania the next Italy? I don't think so. But some travel writers do. "The next...." is not merely cliched writing; it is also somewhat pejorative if you think about it (i.e.--the next best thing to sliced bread....but it ain't no slice of bread).

#7: Don't trash the locals or local customs just for the heck of it. If you do, as in this piece I did for National Geographic Traveler  that literally trash talks Albania, provide context and balance.

#8: Maybe it's me, because I simply abhor chick-lit. Articles about your journey of self-discovery are usually a yawn, even to your closest friends. Sure, an Elizabeth Gilbert or a Frances Mayes may hit the jackpot with prosaic poppycock. But my best advice is to circumvent this form of literary litany.

An aside--why is it that 99 out of 100 of self-confessional, self-delusional pieces are written by women?

#9: Never, never, never use the term "something for everyone" in your writing. It's lazy, it's annoying (to me, anyway) and it's simply not true. Don't you be telling me Des Moines has something for everyone. For example, if you are a surfer, where's the beach? New York City doesn't have something for everyone. If you are a climber, try finding a mountain to scale in Manhattan (skyscrapers don't count). Heck, even Sydney, the best city in the world (again, IMHO), doesn't have something for everyone. For example, if you are an astronomer, you can't see the Big Dipper and vast parts of Ursa Major in the Australian night sky. But you can pet a koala.


Which brings me to one more parenthetical point. You can pet a koala, but you can't pet a koala bear. Koalas are marsupials, not bears. Put that in your pouch and ponder. And one more point that may save your life one day: If you want to pet a koala, don't do so by awakening it from a eucalyptus-induced stupor. I can tell you from experience.. this not a good idea. A koala awakening from its hebetude can be vicious, vicious, I tell you.  But that's a story for another post.

Friday, August 14, 2015

The Quirky Museums of St. Petersburg, Russia

After leaving the oh-so-chic Faberge, my next mission is finding the Museum of Hygiene, a Soviet-era relic that would appeal to my taste for the quirky. I head to Italyanskaya Street, which is right around the corner from the Faberge Museum. I stumble upon the sign below  and assume I have accomplished my mission.



It's a natural mistake to make. One sees a microscope, and understands the Cyrillic to read "Museum Russia Levsha".  I don't know what Levsha means, so I'm thinking maybe he's a famous Soviet doctor.  Thus, I go in, pay my admission (300 rubles--same as
the entry fee to the Hermitage), and come upon a caboodle of microscopic masterpieces.


A wee Winnie the Pooh, Piglet
and Eeyore sitting on a walnut shell
I'm talking teeny-tiny works of art--all less than 1 millimeter in size, and all viewable only through a microscope. Clearly, this is not the Museum of Hygiene. No, I have discovered the Russian Levsha, founded by the International Craft Guild of Masters.

Microscopes lined up inside
the  Russian Levsha
Aside from Winnie the Pooh and friends hanging on a walnut shell, you see things like the world's smallest matryoshka doll balanced on the top of a strand of hair and camels carved into the eye of a needle. 

A miniature masterwork by Vladimir Aniskin


In case you are wondering, it turns out that "Levsha" ( Левше) is a Russian folk hero, a left-handed artisan who is able to craft shoes for a flea.   

After peering through dozens of microscopes, it's time to continue my quest for the Museum of Hygiene. And there it is, located just down the block. Housed in yet another St. Petersburg palace (circa 1755), the interior definitely hearkens back to Soviet days. 

I translate this as
"Profane the Nature"
Russian speakers, please correct me.

The museum was founded in 1919, shortly after the Russian Revolution. It was part of the plan by the new Soviet of the People's Commissars to drive home the importance of health and hygiene. 



Aside from numerous posters depicting warnings against all sorts of evil, there's Pavlov's Dog. I kid you not. An encased Pavlov's Dog, which should ring a bell to my intelligent audience, is the centerpiece of an exhibit covering conditioned reflexes. I must admit, looking at the caged beast inspired a gag reflex in me.*

Unconditionally, this is Pavlov's Dog.


Speaking of KG-beasts, another offbeat St. Petersburg museum is Gorokhovaya 2: The History of the Political Police and State Security. The  locals call it the KGB Museum. Sadly, I stumble upon it during the weekend, when it is closed (it's open from 10-6 weekdays). So, I cannot provide a first-hand report. I can say that it is located in an Art Nouveau building that housed the  bodies of political control from pre-Revolution days through the Soviet era. According to the website, inside are expositions covering the "activities of secret services that ensured the political security in the Russian Empire and the USSR, the suppression of dissent, and the role of secret services in political society." 



*More on Pavlov's dogs here.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Alternative Uses for Everyday Products

Ever find yourself on the road and desperately in need of shoe polish or eye makeup remover or a tourniquet? Don’t worry--you don’t have to run out and buy anything. Just look in your packed luggage.


Let’s start in the oral area. Toothpaste isn’t just for brushing, anymore. Ever use a hotel iron only to find it has left awful stains on your wrinkled white pants? Next time, clean the gunk off the iron with toothpaste. Apply paste to a cool iron, wipe thoroughly, and voila, no more mess. Shoes scuffed? Same deal.


Next, let's examine our dental floss. Yes, we can use it to pick crumbs from between our teeth. But it can also serve as a line for hanging wet clothing; as a temporary shoelace: or it can be used to secure luggage zippers in place. Or say you check into a hotel with a drippy faucet, and no fix is in sight.Tie a long piece of floss around the spout and let it hang down into the basin. The dripping water will slide along the floss, eliminating the loud plunk, plunk that may keep you awake at night.


Hair conditioner has multiple uses aside from keeping your tresses smooth and untangled. And since most hotels stock it as an amenity, you don’t even have to pack it to get its benefits. You can use conditioner to:
1. Remove eye makeup
2. Soften makeup brushes
3. Loosen sticky zippers (apply lotion to tracks of the zipper)
Don’t worry, guys, I am getting to you, too…
4. Shave and
5. Remove a stuck ring from your finger. However, gentlemen, note I do not condone this if you are merely removing a stuck wedding ring in the effort to appear single while traveling.
 
Tampons not only function for their original usage, but can have life-saving applications as well. Obviously, guys will have to go out pre-trip to buy tampons. No bloody way? Listen up. Outdoorsy types swear by the feminine hygiene product as a multi-use lifesaver. Among the first-aid benefits:

1. Unroll the tampon and inside you’ll find an ultra-absorbent material perfect for an improvised dressing for a manly wound.
2. If you are in the middle of the woods and suffering from dehydration, the tampon can serve as an emergency water filter. It may not clear out all the bugs and whistles, but in a pinch, a tampon filter could allow you to drink enough pure-enough water to save your life.
3. And yes, in case you get your nose broken in a manly fight, tampons are perfect for stopping up the blood flow.


Thursday, February 20, 2014

Learning Russian Fast-Food Style

Now that we have covered the basic Cyrillic alphabet, let's proceed to a reading lesson. I chose to spend my one free day in Moscow last May wandering the Arbat and silently phonetically mouthing out the names of familiar fast food franchises. I highly recommend this strategy for those trying to learn the seemingly impenetrable Iron Curtain that is Cyrillic.


First, we visit McDonalds. This one is easy, right? MAK=MAC. The fourth character looks like the Greek delta Δ--which is D. O becomes an A sound in Russian when the syllable is unstressed, so we've got DO. In our previous lesson, we learned that H =N, so HA is NA. The third to last character is the Cyrillic version of L. Then we are back to delta, and C=S. What does it spell? McDonalds.



Very good. Now, let's get a cup of KOФE. Note the third letter, which looks the same as the Greek version of F (phi). Sound it out. You have coffee. Excellent. But where to get our coffee? Perhaps CTAPБAKC.

Now we need a doughnut to accompany our coffee. We do not get coffee at the pink and orange establishment above, because we cannot read the sign that says "Coffee & More". After all, we are reading in Russian. But ДAHKИДOHATC sounds Дelicious. To translate, we need to close the one hole in our doughnut sign literacy.  И =ee. Hence, Dahnkeen Donahtc. Close enough.

Let's moo-ve/MYB (merely a transliteration) on. 

MY MY, or Moo Moo, is a popular fast food chain in Moscow. If you can't read the Cyrillic, just look for the black and white корова.
Finally, let's wash this all done with a bottle of BOДA. B=V. The O sounds like A, due to the stress. Voila, Vahdah. Let's take a sip and call it a day/ДEHb. 

Monday, February 10, 2014

Learning Russian: An Olympian Feat

I have been taking Russian for the past three weeks. Actually, full disclosure, as I am not trying to be a K-G-Beast, I took an introductory class three years ago, but I didn't get high marx. In fact, I never got beyond learning the ABC's...or in the case of the Cyrillic alphabet, the AБB's.
www.thegrissom-gram.blogspot.com
 My knowledge of that alphabet was enhanced by
 last year's trip to Russia, where I putin free time
 attempting to read restaurant (pectopah) signs. 


I will detail that exercise and my steppe-by-steppe progress 
in Russian classes in upcoming posts. Meantime,
for those confused by the order of the Parade of Nations 
at the Sochi Opening Ceremony, let me attempt to 
explain, given my rudimentary knowledge of Cyrillic.
I hope it will be godunov for you.

As you can see from the chart above, Cyrillic has a variety of 
characters. Some look familiar to those who know English; 
some look familiar to those who know Greek (pi); 
and others look downright unfamiliar.

Further mucking up the works is that many of the letters that look 
familiar are not pronounced the way we think they should be. 
B=V; P=R and H=N. Our B is the Russian Б (sort of); 
our P is the character that looks like pi П; and our H does exist. 

And don't even get me started on Ч, Ш, Щ or the bI.
Transliteration: Blini
So, let's refer back to the chart above. Because B which actually 
sounds like V is the third letter of the Cyrillic alphabet, 
Venezuela (Венесуэла) and the Virgin Islands (in the Winter Olympics?) 
were near the beginning of the parade and the Czech Republic (Чехия) and Chile (Чили), featuring that damned Ч (sound similar to the ch in chai), were near the end. Jamaica (Ямайка) and Japan (Япония) were the last to enter alphabetically. As is tradition, the host country  Россия, came last.

By the way, for fans of the Olympics Cold War style, remember the CCCP worn by Olga Korbut and her ilk? It stands for Сою́з Сове́тских Социалисти́ческих Респу́блик. Gogol it.


Thursday, January 16, 2014

So You Want to Be a Travel Blogger? 10 More Gnomes...

Following up on the popular So You Want to Be a Travel Blogger, I present an elfin dectet of malapropisms that make me grouchy.
www.photigy.com

1. The Bordeaux does not compliment the filet mignon, unless it is able to magically speak. Wine complements an entree by supplementing it or making it whole. It does not tell the steak what a fine piece of meat it is (unless it is rude wine).

2. If you want to insure a good trip, buy TravelGuard. However, if you want to ensure a good trip, do your research in advance and stay at nice hotels. Cozying up in a comfy bed can assure most people that a good night of sleep is in store..
3. Despite what Lady Gaga and many other song lyricists write, nothing is between you and I. It’s between you and me. Me is an object pronoun; I is a subject pronoun. Between is a preposition. Prepositions take the object pronoun. Please don’t keep this between you and me.

4. If something is between two people, it's between them. If it's "between" three people, it's really not. It's among three people.

5. Did I illicit a response from you on the last item? I should hope not. Perhaps I elicited a reaction, though. Illicit means outside the law. Elicit is to draw forth.or to evoke.

State images courtesy
www.worldatlas.com

6. Texas is not larger then Delaware. It is, however, larger than Delaware. Then is an adverb signifying time (First, I'll visit Texas. Then, I'll go to Delaware). Than is a comparative word.



7. The phrase “with all due respect” is usually spoken, not written. But whenever it is used, there’s most likely a heavy undertone of sarcasm. If you have to lead off a sentence with the phrase, it likely signifies an absolute lack of respect for the principle under discussion.

8. Or perhaps you have no due respect for the principal under discussion, if you are talking about the dude who has establishing the principles for your high school’s code of conduct.

9. A unicorn is not kind of unique or rather unique or even uniquely unique. If something is unique, it is one-of-a-kind. No qualifier is necessary.

10. Do not refer to the doohickey from which you withdraw cash in a foreign country as an ATM machine. ATM = automated teller machine, so if you write ATM machine, you are being redundant, repetitive.

Please tell me about your most irksome gnomes in the comments section.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Of Doughnuts, Bananas, Prozac and Typefaces

Every January, I ponder cataloging all the books I read that calendar year. But somehow, about 10 books into the equation, I drop the ball. Nonetheless, given the amount of time spent on planes and trains this past year, I've managed to polish off at least 40 books, chapter and verse. Most have been non-fiction, although I managed to add a couple of classics into the mix. Here are brief reviews of some of my faves, along with recaps of a few of the duds.


Despite the fact that I cannot ingest gluten, in past years, many of the books I've gotten a rise over have been about bread and other wheat products. Go figure. I savored White Bread: A Social History of the Store-Bought Loaf; 52 Loaves; and Glazed America, which is a treatise on doughnuts. This year, though, I decided my food-related reads should be gluten-free. So, I tackled ginseng and bananas.

One of the first books I read this year was Banana: The Fate of the Fruit That Changed the World by Dan Koeppel. Koeppel traces the fruit's history from the Garden of Eden (that apple, according to the author's research, was actually a banana) through the creation of banana republics in Central America to the current state of the fruit today. I found the read most appeeling . It was informative and witty at the same time.

On the other hand, Ginseng: The Divine Root by David A.Taylor ...frankly, not so divine. Yes, Taylor's tome explores the history of ginseng by visiting places like China, Canada and Wisconsin. He discusses health benefits attributed to ginseng and he uncovers some interesting facts. However, the root of the matter is that Taylor's dry and slow writing style makes what could have been a diverting dose into something a bit more medicinal.


Speaking of medicine, Manufacturing Depression: A Secret History of a Modern Disease by Gary Greenberg perked me right up.  Greenberg, a science journalist, a psychotherapist, and a depressive himself, takes the reader on an entertaining tour of mental health history, from the discovery of seratonin to the development of Prozac and its ilk.  In no way prozaic. Greenberg presents provocative insights into the development of the "depression industry". 

The book I most recently read was Don't Consider the Fork by Bee Wilson. Don't bother considering it. It should be stirring, as it covers the evolution of the fork, the chopstick, measuring cup and other cooking implements. Yes, the facts are intriguing, but the writing just doesn't measure up


On the other hand, do consider Just My Type: A Book About Fonts by Simon Garfield. Even if you are not one to mind your p's and q's, Just My Type is a helvetica of a read. The book considers the ampersand; ponders the idiosyncrasies of serif and sans serif; and explains the artistry behind the font design of the the London Underground (which has inspired its own typeface--appropriately dubbed Underground). If you can only read one of the books listed here, this is the pica of the letter.

More recommended reads coming next week in a piece entitled On Trains and Brains.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Holiday Gifts for Travelers: Treats for the Feet

Cold, sweaty and tired feet can leave many a traveler feeling defeeted.  Here are a few new products that claim to prime your paws for all travel conditions. I have not tested these products, and so will not rate them. If you've tried them, let me know what you think.

First off, we have Get Grounded Footwear Groundals for $49.99 (straps come in black, gold or silver).
The claim: Wearing these sandals will ground you to Mother Nature's magnetic field. The press materials call Groundals "the first footwear featuring a fully-grounded foot bed, made with a proprietary trade-secret material called TerraMater." Apparently, this material conducts negatively-charged free electrons "allowing for the absorption of  positive energy from the earth's natural surfaces." The process, called grounding, allows one's body to be in direct electrical contact with the earth, leading to an increase in energy. Amazing....just from wearing a pair of sandals. Now look, I am not a total skeptic. I lived across from the ocean in Santa Barbara for four years and found barefoot beach walks quite energizing (something to do with the negative ions, they say). But as the sample pair of Groundals sent to me were too big to wade in, I cannot replicate my Pacific experience here on the East Coast. For the New Age-types on your gift list, though, this might give them a charge.


Somewhat more down to earth are the superlatives offered by the makers of Heat Holders. The packaging calls Heat Holders the warmest thermal socks around.  The scientific proof, as claimed by the manufacturer, is in the Thermal Overall Grade (TOG). This measure of a textile's warming ability shows Heat Holders get a 2.34 score; ordinary thermal socks rate a .89; and your basic cotton socks score a .33.  At $15.99, it's worth a try. If they don't end up being the perfect stocking stuffer, next year, you can use them as your spare Christmas stocking.



Blue Kauai Mary JanesThe Nufoot sock is a good slip-on for those who prefer not to walk around the plane/hotel room/yoga studio barefoot.  Made with a breathable four-way stretch fabric,the Nufoot footie is water and skid resistant. Priced at $14.99, the footies come in a variety of pleasing patterns.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Manic Punday: A Night at the Improv II--The Video

For those hankering to see my stand-up performance, here it is on YouTube.




Enjoy and let me know what you think in the comments section.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Manic Punday or A Night at The Improv

I made my stand-up debut at The Improv in Washington, DC last week. Here's an excerpt from the routine, minus the ad libs. Video will be posted within a week.




There are two things you should know about me. One, I’m a travel writer and two, I have a pun fetish. I will consider this night a raging success even if I don’t get a single laugh....as long as I hear a lot of moaning and groaning. I love getting moans and groans while indulging fetishes.


Actually, last year, these two things came together when I did a story on the National Pun Festival in Austin. As part of the deal, I performed a two-minute riff complete puns about Russia and the Soviet Union. I PUTIN a good enough routine to finish Top 10. But my performance needed work. So, I decided to go to comedy school.


Anyway, people are fascinated by the fact that I am a travel writer. Everyone thinks I lead such a glamorous life....that I jet set around the world with a man in every port and a personal porter to carry my Louis Vuitton luggage. And sometimes, I do live the lifestyle of the rich and famous. But the fact is I am poor and unknown, and you’ll usually find me schlepping my own bags.

But the stereotype persists. And I blame those middle-aged white women who write those memoirs--you know the formula-- woman has a mid-life crisis, she throws caution to the wind and heads abroad. She goes eating, loving and preying on unsuspecting men around the world. She goes to Italy and buys a house under the Tuscan sun. And it goes without fail that a hunky man with washboard abs is involved, they live happily ever after, the end.

My stories don’t work that way, people. I go to Italy--my book title is Under the Tuscan Sunstroke.
I could write 50 Shades of Earl Grey, but that would be ..
a tease.
The chronicle of my travels to the developing world would inevitably be dubbed Bridget Jones' Diarrhea. Yeah, I think that would be pretty explosive.


But I won’t run on about that.
The point is, everyone says I should write a book. But my adventures really don’t have a common theme. It would be great if I were one of those women who have sex around the world.
Then, I could dub my book, The Vagina Travelogues. But I won’t beat around the bush. When it comes to what’s going on down here, I just don’t have loose lips.


Then there are those intrepid travel writers who climb Kilimanjaro or trek across Antarctica. That's not my thing. I mean, if I were to write a book about my exploits, it would have to called Adventure Travel for Weenies.
That said, I am not a total wimp. I traveled the world alone. I ridden horses in Montana; elephants in Thailand and camels in the Outback of Australia. I guess you can say I’ve experienced camel tow down under. One more--due to the heat, my camel and I had to stop for a Blizzard at the Dromedary Queen.


Maybe instead of writing a book, I should put together a mix tape of my travels.
This is the part where I do an audience sing-along. Fortunately, the audience came through.
Then I do a few more Russian puns and it's "thank you and good nyet."



.


Monday, August 5, 2013

Manic Punday: Travel Au Naturel

What nationality is most likely to be naked on a beach? Expedia’s Flip Flop Report provides the naked truth. Germans top the list. Given my experiences at naked German spas, this comes as no surprise to me.


The Flip Flop Report resulted from a poll of 8,000 beach-goers worldwide. While topics ranged from safety concerns to favorite beach activity, I was most interested in the skinny on skinny dipping. The general findings--Europeans are most likely to bare it all, while Americans and Asians are more modest. In studying the results, it does seem that this "worldwide" poll skips South America. If that's the case, the omission of Brazilians may leave the results out of wax.


Archive Photo from the 1970s
 DDR Museum, Berlin
Nonetheless, let's dive into the numbers. Germans are the most brazen when it comes to baring it all.. Nearly one-fifth of all Germans polled report having gone Full Monty on the beach. While nearly half of the Americans surveyed say they feel either comfortable or neutral about beach nudity, the fact is, in real life, they are prudes. Only five percent of American beach-goers report letting it all hang out while hanging five or indulging in other water play. Meanwhile, only eight percent have ever sunbathed topless.
And who is most likely to go topless? Although the survey doesn’t make this clear, I assume this question was asked only of females. The survey says 40% of Danes are happy to go without tops or Danish pasties.  One-third of Italian women feel comfortable saying “arrivederci” to their bra*, while 31% of Norwegian women are happy to titillate.


While 73% of French beach-goers report being somewhat or very comfortable with topless beaches, they are among the least likely Europeans to go au naturel. Forty-two percent say they would never go out without a maillot or Speedo.


Ah, the Speedo. Let me be brief  No, no and NO. But 65% of those polled disagree with me. The French are most approving, with nine out of 10 saying oui oui to the wee wee frock. Italians are equally meatballs about the saucy suits**. Among those most disapproving of the Speedo (aside from me) are the Japanese and the Norwegians. According to the poll, American beach-goers are 50-50 when it comes to considering Speedos acceptable beachwear. However, I would deign to say that the pool of actual Speedos wearers in the U.S. of A. contains but a single digit..

*Explanation of double d'entendre: Bra is also a town in Italy, best known as the home of the Slow Food Movement.

**Baggy swim trunks are banned in French public pools as a matter of hygiene. According to a head pool attendant from Paris's 11th arrondissement,. only small, tight trunks (read Speedos) can be worn for swimming. The theory is that loose swimming shorts can collect sand, dust or beg bugs, all of which have the potential to disturb the water quality..